When I was a kid I used to plough through books, basically from the moment I started reading, I just kept going. My room at my parents’ had bookshelves lining the walls and they were filled with books. During the summer, when we went sailing, my bag would always be filled with books, and still I’d have to ask my parents to buy me new ones sine I’d go through maybe two a week or something like that.
I’ve also had a very vivid imagination, I don’t know if the imagination came from reading books or maybe it was always a part of me, but that it was aided even more by the books and the reading. I remember, my family were in Italy visiting my grandma, and my dad told me that we had to go somewhere. I reluctantly put away my book and as I was walking down the stairs in the building complex, I felt so confused. I couldn’t remembering watching any movies, but still I had these super vivid pictures in my head. When we reached the street level, that’s when I realized that it was images from my book. That I’d seen it all so clearly in my head, that for a second I thought I’d watched it on TV.
In fact, reading used to be a big part of my day-to-day life, even as I became older. I have a memory from university, a guy told me, as we were walking out of class, that he was impressed with my focus. I started at him dumbfounded and he clarified that before class had started, the room had been buzzing and yet I’d been sitting there reading as though I couldn’t hear anything around me (which was probably true). I remembering being happy about him observing that particular thing about me.
I think I lost a bit of my passion for reading as I went through my bachelor’s and masters’ degree. Mainly because it consisted of reading literature at a such a high, intense, pace that I felt like I couldn’t stare at another book. Even if it was fiction. Don’t get me wrong, studying anthropology was amazing and I loved reading those books, but it wasn’t the same as just reading for pleasure. Then of course, cell phones and streaming services haven’t exactly made it easier to find my way back to books. It’s not that I haven’t read a book since 2011, but I haven’t exactly been devouring them like I used to. As a mom, I’ve found it hard to sit down and have that kind of focus too, and again, phones and scrolling through readily available content has just been a bit (maybe too) alluring to pass up.
Anyways, I just finished a book that has taken me way too long to finish, but the end, it really made me remember the magic of books. The simple pleasure of reading something that really speaks to you. It sounds cheesy, but it’s true. The book is called Come Away With Me by Karma Brown. I have to admit that the first part, for me, didn’t have that thing that it grabbed me right away; but maybe I wasn’t paying as much attention to it either. Again, the end though, it really pulled me into it! It’s an intense book, sad, sometimes humorous, and written in a style that I like. As I finished that one, I found myself grabbing another one immediately. This one was a book that was gifted to me as a birthday present, it was one that I’d heard a lot of people say was a good one. It is! The first 20 pages went by in mere minutes and I don’t know if it’s just that good, or the fact that my passion for reading seems to be rekindled (probably a mix of both), but it just grabbed me and I immediately started picturing the scenes play out in front of me. It’s called It Ends With Us, by Colleen Hoover. I can’t wait to continue reading this summer as I still have a few weeks left of this vacation!
Tell me, what’s on your reading list this summer? Got any recommendations? Please, let me know!
Like most people by now, I’ve watched the Meghan and Harry interview with Oprah. I’m not going to focus much on the interview in itself, but more on how it’s been received by the general public, and more specifically, the attack on Meghan for speaking her truth.
I’m appalled by how ignorant people are and how mental health still, in 2021, isn’t taken seriously!
Now, obviously I don’t know Meghan personally, and I’m not that knowledgeable when it comes to the Royal Family and how the titles are given or whom they’re given to. That said, when I listened to Meghan tell her story, my heart broke for her. What I heard and saw was a mother who did all she could to protect her family. She tried her best to assimilate and do all the things she was asked to do; to smile, to say ‘no comment’, to believe that they knew what was best for her and that they were protecting her.
When Meghan spoke out about her not wanting to live anymore, and that she’d been having suicidal thoughts, rather than support it seems she’s received mostly slander. It’s absolutely horrendous! A lot of people took to social media to troll Meghan by saying that she was saying all these things because she wanted attention. Cringe! Is there a response more stereotypical than that? Particularly when it is a woman speaking out about these things, be it suicidal ideations or rape. Their sincerity, their genuineness, gets questioned, we’ve all seen it happen recently, when women spoke out during MeToo. Who made these people equipped to speak out about someone else’s issues? Hint: No one. Also, it doesn’t even make sense. Why would she do it for attention? I call bullshit.
Then there are people who are upset, calling on privilege, saying what the hell does she have to be sad about? Why would she — a woman, yes — but a woman of high status and privilege, want to kill herself? Meghan brings up a lot of different aspects throughout the interview, that contributed to her feeling like she wanted to end her life, ranging from feeling like things would be easier if she wasn’t around to worrying about racism and how it would affect her son. Regardless of what lead her to feel those feelings though, mental health does not discriminate. It doesn’t care if you’re rich, if you’re famous or whatever it might be. It can happen to anyone, besides, famous and rich peoples are humans with feelings too.
A Swedish journalist, Lena Mellin, wrote an article that was published in one of our biggest newspapers. Everything about it was huge disappointment, not only that she thought it and wrote it, but that it was ultimately published. It’s now a locked article unfortunately but she states that mental health shouldn’t be taken lightly, which is about the only thing I can agree with her on. Because she then goes onto say that:
…when Prince Harry’s wife express that life at Buckingham Palace was so hard that she wanted to take her life, you wonder what’s true and what’s not. My reflection is that there are billions of people out there who have bigger reasons to look at life that darkly than Meghan Markle.
This encapsulate everything that’s wrong with this whole debacle, when others suddenly become the judges of what someone else is feeling, about something that’s so incredibly private, it makes me sick. Also, another gaslighting aspect, when she doesn’t even refer to Meghan by name, but refers to her as “Prince Harry’s wife”. This kind of whataboutism stance that she has really pisses me off! Why diminish her struggle like that? Just because someone else in the world has it worse than Meghan, doesn’t change the way that she feels. Talking about and validating someone’s mental health does not mean you diminish or take away from someone else’s. Just because you seemingly seem to have a picture perfect life, doesn’t mean you can’t feel absolutely broken.
There’s this text that goes around on social media right now, it reads: Meghan Markle probably won’t see your comments accusing her of “attention seeking”. But your loved ones will. So think about that for a second, if you post comments that you think someone who speaks out about wanting to commit suicide is lying about it (seeking attention) or if you write that they don’t have a valid reason for it; it will endanger someone close to you who might be ashamed that they’re feeling the same way. Yes, statistically you’ve got someone close to you who’s struggling with this right now.
If I’m being honest, I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts during difficult periods in my life. People probably could’ve said that I had no reason for feeling the way I did. I was privileged in a lot of ways. Does it really matter if I had a valid, or rather, a socially accepted reason behind it? No. There’s a saying: you never know what someone is going through. Be Kind. Always. And this is something that I feel like everyone should bear in mind.
Finally, I think it sounds like Meghan and Harry tried to set boundaries with Harry’s family and when they didn’t accept those, what were they supposed to do? You can’t force someone to change. What they did is historical and I absolutely think they made the right choice. Meghan, to me, you’re a queen for speaking out, fighting for your mental health and your family.
You know how Hollywood actresses (or famous women in general) get asked things like “how do you balance being a mother and an actress (or whatever makes them famous)?” on the red carpet, or “who are you wearing”, rather than things about their performance that landed them on the red carpet to begin with? This is a non-discussion when it comes to male actors, Brad Pitt doesn’t get asked how he balances fatherhood and landing roles on big hit movies, even though Pitt has six children! So if it’d be relevant to ask anyone that, it’d be him, no? Oh, it’s not a very relevant question? Well then, maybe apply it to everyone then, yes?
Why do I bring this up?
I read a piece in Variety about Elliot Page, formerly Ellen Page. If you don’t know them, they starred in the film Juno in 2007 (which was when I first came across them) and more recently inthe Netflix show Umbrella Academy. In the beginning of this month, Page came out on Twitter as being trans, letting people know that their pronounce are he/they and that their name is Elliot Page. Now, if you’re someone who’s currently reading this and sighing, please, it’s 2020 – educate yourself!
In the Variety piece that I read, I was truly baffled by the fact that there’s even a discussion about whether or not Page should continue to star in Umbrella Academy where they play the character Vanya Hargreeves. Vanya is a cisgender woman, basically a woman whose gender identity matches their assigned sex at birth. The western norm. The piece in Variety states that the bulk of the social media reaction to Page’s announcement was positive, however there were commentators suggesting that the role of Vanya should be recast.
Why, you ask? Yes, I’m asking myself that same question. Bascially, some people feel that the role of Vanya Hargreeves should be played by a cisgendered woman instead. A R E. Y O U. K I D D I N G. M E.?! If you ask me, it’s crazy that this is even a discussion! It should be a non-discussion, much like how famous women, or women in power, shouldn’t get questions about balancing their work and their parental roles, when men in the same situations, aren’t.
Why wouldn’t Page, regardless of her gender identity, be able to continue to portray Vanya? Why wouldn’t they be able to capture the essense of Vanya? They’ve done it so far, nothing’s changed. I also get the feeling that this wouldn’t have been much of a discussion had Page previously been a cisgendered male. Besides, gay men have been playing straight characters forever, like Neil Patrick Harris portraying Barney Stinson on How I Met Your Mother. If this line of reasoning was valid (which it is not), then why would he be able to play a straight male? Also, way back when, males portrayed all female roles in theaters, so…
Of course trans actors can play both trans and cisgendered characters! Playing people who they’re not in real life is what acting is! Why can’t we just let people be who they are, it’s not like it’s hurting anyone. On the contrary, not letting people express who they are IS what is hurting, a lot of people out there are still, in 2020, afraid of coming out and being who they are. It’s heartbreaking if you ask me. Repressing your identity, whatever it may be, leads to suicides and all kind of mental illnesses, Get over yourselves and let people identify as and love whoever the hell they want.
And guess what, you who feel like this whole trans gender and non-binary thing (or even homosexuality) is some modern invention and unecessarily complicated, this is NOT about you! Again, and I can’t stress this enough, educate yourself!
I can’t believe that I’ve had this blog for ten years(!) today. Though I have to admit that I haven’t been active during all of those ten years. I do miss being active though, finding articles and pieces that spark my muse for writing here. I want to say that I’m going to be better, because I really miss writing, but I’m not going to promise anything. Sadly, I’m also pretty sure that I’ve lost the readers that I had. Here’s to hoping though! I’ve really enjoyed having this blog and it’s helped me through some rough parts of my life, for which I’m very grateful for.
Thank you to all of you who have engaged with me through the blog over the years, your comments and discussions have been appreciated more than I can say. I’ve learned a lot from those discussions as well. ❤
This post is inspired by some late night writing I ended up blurting out on my Facebook on June 4th, two days after the Black Lives Matter protest here in Sweden. It was written in Stockholm, so I thought I’d take the opportunity to fine tune it and post it here as well.
Since these protests have happened all over the world lately, physical ones as well as digital ones. I’m curious, where you live, how has the media reported about them in relation to COVID-19? Comment and let me know.
What prompted my original post was the sense of despair I felt upon following the coverage and comments that spread like wildfire post the demonstration for BLM in Stockholm. As a NBPOC (non-black person of color), it just pained me to see that the only thing people seemed to be talking about was COVID-19 and the fact that the physical demonstration was stupid, careless and selfish and that those who attended were the same.
Don’t get me wrong, I get that the current pandemic makes large gatherings of people problematic, I do! And I get that people want to talk about this. BUT! That said, I feel like we need to cover both! That has to be a possibility! We have to highlight the voices of black people who are experiencing systemic racism here too. We have to highlight what BLM really is and what it stands for. White people who were raging about this demonstration seemed to think that this protest only was about the murder (yes, not just death, but murder) of George Floyd. No. It wasn’t. Now, I’m not going to write about what it meant for the black people who attended, if you want to hear from them directly just check out these Instagram accounts: @byayshajones, @blacklivesmattersweden and @action4humanity_se.
I also want to add that the organizers behind these demonstrations in Sweden were, prior to the events clear about the fact that they’d only gotten permission from the Swedish police to gather 50 people. They’d also reached out to their followers on their respective platforms, urging people to follow the demonstration in Instagram Live rather than coming out physically to support the cause. Furthermore they’d urged that you shouldn’t attend if you felt like you were coming down with something, or if you were sick. They also asked that you stay home if you were considered at risk to catch COVID-19. They’d also done their best to uphold safety regulations by trying to keep distanced from one another, have sanitizers and masks.
Yes, things didn’t exactly turn out the way the organizers had intended, though it was hardly their fault. 8,000 people turned up. Did they all keep their distances? I don’t know? But I’d like to give people the benefit of the doubt, if they felt as though being there physically was important to them, I hope they quarantined themselves (we’ve been very liberal with quarantine here compared to other countries) and took whatever necessary precautions they had to after having attended.
It speaks volumes though, doesn’t it? That it was (and continues to be) important for so many people. Still, Swedish media have given space to people who says that the whole protest was an “imported problem” from the States and went so far as to claim that there’s no racism in Sweden. Where are the melanated voices? Where are the politicians? No one seems to be talking about the core problem here: racism and structural/systemic racism. In Canada, Prime Minister Trudeau spoke out about BLM, yet here, politicians are remaining quiet. This makes it even more important to actually discuss and give space to people from the BLM movement! Their voices need to heard too! Not just people’s and nurses’ anger over people gathering during a pandemic.
Some people have written to me and said that they support the BLM movement, but not the physical demonstrations, due to the pandemic. They’ve also said that since they support it, couldn’t it just have been moved up to when COVID-19 is no longer a problem?
Now, I’m no expert on the subject and I’m not black, but from what I’ve read and from what I’ve heard when I’ve listened; is the fact that choosing when to be heard is a white privilege in and of itself. For black people in the States especially! Where they don’t get the privilege of choosing what to fight against, COVID-19 (that, in the States, due to structural and systemic racism, kills more black people than anyone else) or something else that’s also targeting and killing their loved ones. The frustration and fear that black people all over the world are feeling needs to be legitimized and not minimized! This is very much real and I hope that you, my acquaintances, my friends and family remember this! These demonstrations aren’t about being selfish! Black people are dying, no they are killed, and they have been for years! The structural racism has killed black people for centuries, way more lives have been lost to racism than COVID-19 ever will. You have to realize that this momentum that the BLM movement has gotten recently is a way, and sometimes the only way, to get heard as a black person. To get such a widespread decease like racism to be discussed, to become a topic. So no, it’s not fair to ask black people to wait. Check your privilege! The sad thing is that when white people are getting killed, it immediately becomes a priority.
I read an article in The New Yorker and the words of Dr. Taison Bell resonated with me.
As for the Swedish case, the public are oddly (sarcasm) quiet about the fact that parks, restaurants with outdoor seating, now that they temperatures have risen here, have been crowded! On June 3rd this is what it looked like in one of the popular parks around here:
Also, don’t forget that saying that black people could’ve done things differently, or they could’ve made their voices heard in another way, is forgetting that they have, people just haven’t been listening. Besides, just think about the fact that people are out there protesting during a pandemic and still they’re voices aren’t really taken seriously by politicians and law-makers. If not now, then when?
As someone who’s been on the receiving end of racism, and who has gotten it rather often at work (not by co-workers), I just felt like needed to speak up!
You don’t have to agree with me, but at the moment I’m drained after having had so many conversations about this with people, that I ask you to keep those comments to yourself. Thanks for reading!
Lately something has been bothering me like crazy: the things people sometimes blurt out to those of us who’s been through a c-section.
During my pregnancy I joined a wonderful group on Facebook, a group that helped me through a lot of the stuff that happened during the later stage of my pregnancy (more on that in a separate blog post). I read about mothers who’d just had their c-sections and how they felt shameful for not having ‘birthed’ their babies the “normal” way. Before my c-section I could only offer my condolences and thought that the stigma around c-section and how it’s sometimes discussed and talked about as ‘not having given birth for real’ was crazy. Now, on the other side of it, I can only say that I get it! While no one has explicitly told me that I haven’t given birth for real, people have dropped comments, comments which I believe do play a part in this whole stigma around c-sections. Comments that makes a mother who’s gone through it feel as though she hasn’t really given birth.
Now, people might mean well when they tell you, following your c-section, that at least you didn’t tear down there! Maybe it’s a way to diffuse, to offer a silver lining kind of situation; however, comments like that has, for me, not done a damn thing! If anything I’ve felt like it’s downplayed and ultimately minimized what I was going through and the pain that comes with a c-section.
Struggling to find the words on what I wanted to say here, I did a little Google search (yes, Google is your friend) and stumbled upon an article by Kristen Thompson (read it here). She perfectly managed to summarize my still quite raw feelings on the topic (hey, it’s only been 9 weeks since I went through it). Thompson writes that someone, after her first c-section, told her that she was lucky because she got to forego labor. Thompson continues to write that in was a very presumptuous comment, seeing as she experienced labor for four long days. In my case I was induced and went through labor and struggled with the first 3 centimeters in a cold, and not very friendly hospital room rather than in the comforts of my own home. I had an epidural at 4 centimeters, so yes, I did experience labor.
Thompson further writes:
The reality is that many women who have C-sections do so because they have no other choice, and they may feel profound sadness, shame and guilt afterwards. So hearing things like, “Oh, too posh to push, eh?” *wink*, or “At least you aren’t all stretched out down there” makes many of us want to Hulk rage.
Thompson ended up collecting stories from her friends who’d had c-sections and made a list of things to never say to a mom who had a c-section. I’ll choose some of the points that I feel resonated with me.
“All that matters is you had a healthy baby” Thompson writes that it’s probably the most-heard phrase by C-section moms. Yes, a healthy baby matters! In my case, when they told me they would have to stop my labor progress (aka, no more induction pills) and that I would have to have an emergency c-section due to Baby B not being able to handle the contractions; of course my thoughts were that he needed to be okay. However, as Thompson points out, the experience of a c-section can be traumatizing and that feeling matter too! It needs to be validated. So yes, while it was no brainer to have my son this way, because it saved him, it was also a traumatizing experience and not at all like I’d thought my birthing experience would be like. I didn’t envision barely being able to hold him at first on account of shaking in my whole body!
“You can try for a natural birth next time” I’ll join Thompson in begging for another term, why not call it “vaginal” birth, rather than natural. Calling it natural suggests that children born through c-sections had “unnatural” births. Like Thompson writes, someone who’s still dealing with the cold, clinical way in which their kid were born, this term just adds insult to injury.
“So you didn’t actually give birth, technically, huh?” “You’re so lucky you didn’t have to go through labor” & “At least your vagina didn’t get annihilated” Yes, I lumped these three comments together as they sort of intertwine. I’ve heard the third one the most, and to me it kind of implies the first one in a sense. Maybe that’s not people’s intention, but that how it comes across for me. Thompson points out that giving birth is the act of bringing forth life, regardless of how it happened and urges people to not take that experience away from C-section moms. She further points out a valid point: don’t diminish that success! It’s only now that I’ve started to think about my C-section, while messy and traumatizing, in the end it was a success! Something that I made it through. I’ve already brought up my personal experience and how I did experience labor and Thompson adds that many women have C-sections because they’ve labored pretty much forever; so don’t make assumptions.
About that third comment which I’ve personally heard the most so far, to quote Thomson “yes, my vagina is fine and dandy, thanks.” However, if we’re speaking in terms of annihilated, as Thompson points out too, my abdomen was! It was sliced open, both skin and your abs (muscles) gets cut too, guts are pulled aside and a child hauled out. Like Thompson says “So, maybe we’re even. Or maybe it’s not a contest.”
“You had it easy.” No. No. No. Nothing about this was easy. A C-section is a major surgery for which you are awake. You get a catheter with its usual side effects of not being able to tell when you need to go after its removal. Fun stuff. My milk didn’t come in until much later, I couldn’t nurse immediately due to the ‘shakes’ that comes with the c-section and my child wasn’t given to me until later. You’re sent home with regular Tylenol, I was promised something prescribed, but they forgot to do it and I was sent home on a Friday. When I called about it, the doctor who could prescribe it had left work for the day. I cried as I waddled out of the hospital three days later.
During my check up at my OB, at around 8 weeks postpartum, she told me that she’d had a c-section too. As well as two natural birth prior to that and she said that a lot of people are misinformed when it comes to c-sections. You bleed after a c-section too, you have weakened pelvic floors too (since this can happen to anyone who’s been pregnant). She also informed me that my tummy flap/pouch, which I was afraid would never go away, is there mainly due to the stomach muscles being cut through and that they’ll knit back together more as the muscles regain their strength.
So yeah, this is not a contest and I wouldn’t say that a vaginal birth is better or easier or the other way around. Every birthing experience is different and so individual. I just wanted to bring forth facts that c-sections aren’t “the easy way out,” as some people might think. Why don’t we just let people feel whatever it is that they feel and not diminish anything. Deal?
Mother. That’s quite the title, isn’t it? I know it’s been a hot minute since I’ve been here, which isn’t much of a surprise. I was right the last time I wrote here though, it was my last pregnancy update as I did get induced. Being induced, which wasn’t something I wished for, ended up being a little more complicated than I’d anticipated and it ended with an emergency c-section! See? Even though I’d refrained from making up a ‘this is what I want’ birth scenario and remained as open about the experience ahead as I could; what happened was still something that threw me. I guess it’s one of those things you can never really imagine what it’ll be like until you go through it. What happens will happen and just because you’ve been through it once, doesn’t mean it will be the same the next time. If I’m being honest my whole birth experience was quite a mess and it took me a while to be able to allow myself to think about it as ‘messy’. However, I think that’s a topic for another blog post all together.
So, motherhood. It’s been one hell of a ride! It’s wonderful and I feel privileged and blessed to be able to experience this. That being said, I want to be honest with you guys because I’m quite sure all of you have heard what a blessing motherhood is and how wonderful it is to have children and that children are the reason for living. While I agree with all of it, that’s not the whole picture. Being a mother (or parent in general), especially a first time one, is challenging! I remember our first night together as a family, in the hospital, he was so small and I was so scared that he was going to break somehow. Even if they’d told me that he’d be small, I hadn’t realized just how small he was going to be. He came out weighing 2820 grams (and dropped some of that initially, like practically all newborns) and he was 49 centimeters long. During the days leading up to his arrival I’d seen people on social media share their photos of their babies and they all seemed big and sturdy somehow. He, however, wasn’t. No one had prepared me for the fact that I’d be so worried all the time. Being so small and with a newborns undeveloped coordination, his jerks that he got during sleep worried me. Being worried continued to be a pattern and still is, at least the first time (or first few times) something happens. Coming home, even though I was so happy to be out of the hospital and have baby B with us at home, I cried a few times a day. My hormones were all over the place, which caught me by surprised considering I hadn’t felt very hormonal at all during pregnancy. I’d read about baby blues though, but as the days went on I was a bit concerned that maybe this was something else. Again, on social media, people share their happiness and smiley faces about their newborns. No one mentions the worries and the heartache that happens when your newborn cries until they turn red and can barely breathe.
Being a mother, a parent, is literally wearing your heart on the outside of your body. You feel everything on a whole new level, both the good and the bad. I loved him from the first second I saw him and it felt so overwhelming. The combination of that deep felt love and worry, it made me feel incredibly raw those first few days (a bit over a week), I was also quick to judge myself and blame myself. If he was sad, I figured it was because of something I’d done, or hadn’t done. Breastfeeding wasn’t working well either, which I really beat myself up about. It felt like I should be able to do it, something that seemed to come naturally for everyone.
Baby B is 9 weeks and 1 day old now (I’ve been trying to finish this blog post for the past two weeks though, ha!). I can’t believe that he’s already 2 months old! He’s amazing and seeing him develop new abilities is the coolest thing ever. He started smiling at week 6 and while his smiles are still quite elusive and not always easy to trigger; it’s the most beautiful smile. I can say that it gets easier. There are, however, new things and developmental phases (leaps) happening constantly. As time goes by though, you learn to recognize the signs and you feel a little bit more confident in what you’re doing. For my Swedish readers, there’s a good app called: Växa och upptäcka världen, that keeps track of these leaps that your baby takes seven times during its first year. It syncs with your calendar too, which is great. I guess the conclusion is that the worries are here to stay and you’ll just have to go along with it and learn from it. I’ll say one thing though, for me, motherhood and being B’s mother in particular still felt very natural as soon as he was here. I know I was lucky in feeling like that, not everyone does.
Considering the fact that I’m so very new at all this, I don’t know if I should share any tips. I will, however, say that: to all of you new parents out there, you can do this and trust me, you rock and you’re doing great! Try to not get too caught up in the worries and enjoy! I already wish that I’d been a little bit more chill in the beginning and taken way more photos and videos that I ended up doing. So yeah, don’t let the worries (and fears) get in the way.
Baby will weigh between six and six and a half pounds this week. Growth slows down at this point and Baby is busy practicing for life after birth. Baby is plumper and if born now, would not require an incubator to keep warm due to the presence of sufficient fat stores. Lungs are fully developed, which means Baby would be able to breathe on its own if born now. Usually babies are head down at this point, but they can drop right until birth.
Me
Some discharge may have begun, which is a good thing to happen. It’s your body’s way to prepare for labor by secreting extra cervical mucus. Baby is probably head down by now. Remember that only about five percent of women have their babes born on the actual due date (even if due date has been calculated by ultrasound). Don’t set yourself up for disappointment by concentrating heavily on the “magic” day. Baby will come when he or she is ready to enter the world. You may have noticed that your bump has changed shape around this time as Baby drops lower. You’re probably glad, as the discomfort of feeling cramped and breathless has eased slightly. At this stage your placenta weighs about 1.5 pounds and adds to the extra weight you’re carrying.
Baby’s skull is still soft to allow for the trip through the birth canal. Some of the tiny bones in Baby’s body won’t fuse together until after birth. At this point, Baby is ingesting a lot of amniotic fluid, which is resulting in the build-up of meconium (the first bowel movement that Baby will have after birth). Baby’s fingernails continue to grow but are kept soft. When Baby’s born you may want to cut them, but you should wait a few weeks to avoid damaging Baby’s soft nails and delicate skin. Baby is gaining about one ounce every day at this stage. The lubricant that will keep the lungs from sticking together during breathing is being readily produced.
Me
You’re probably experiencing a fair amount of Braxton Hicks contractions, which can be painful at this point, but are irregular. While real labor pains occur at regular intervals and begin at the top of the uterus, false labor pains are usually felt in your back, pelvis and lower abdomen and are irregular. The Braxton Hicks contractions may seem like pain, but they do have a purpose. They send more blood into the ageing placenta, which is good for Baby. Your hormones will be fluctuating and it’s not uncommon to feel a bit down or overwhelmed.
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I’ve ended up lumping these two weeks together, let’s just say a lot has being going on (as seems to be a pattern with my pregnancy as of late).
So, starting with week 37. I wasn’t too worried about Mini being on the smaller side. After all, so am I and since the obstetricians here use a curve that measure Scandinavian babies; there’s no wonder Mini might “deviate” some from that curve. I’m of Asian descent and D is half Swedish, half Croatian. I tried to focus on fixing things at home and met up with a new friend from a pregnancy group on Facebook. J, she’s so nice and it was so fun to talk to her in real life. By the way, that group has helped me so much throughout my pregnancy and I don’t know what I’d done without it. There’s no judgement and everyone’s just super nice. It’s important to find groups like that, since I’ve heard horror stories about groups where there’s some serious mom-shaming going on. Who needs that. I also had a preggo date night with mWy lovely J who’s due about five weeks after me. It was so great to see her. I also had lunch with my mom and had another blood test taken too. That weekend was the first time I really experienced a more painful Braxton Hicks contraction! I actually thought something might be starting, but after that night it subsided and I haven’t felt anything quite like that since. Also, about the baby drop that the app mentions, well while Mini has been head done for a while now, I haven’t felt much relief due to the fact that I’m short. Ha. So much for that relief.
Week 38. I took the advice of a friend who said that I should pamper myself and take advantage of these last few weeks of alone time, before Mini makes an appearance. Which is why I scheduled a brow appointment at a salon that I’ve heard people rave about. Well, to be honest people have mostly been raving about the brow tattooing that they do, not so much the brow fix that I booked. Anyway, it was pretty good, however the coloring she did didn’t really stick that well. I’d been looking forward to – after having seen results on Instagram – not having to fill in my brows at all after the coloring; but instead you could see that she’d changed the shape a little with color, but the color ended up so light it looked like someone had gently smudged out a new shape with a brow pen. Oh well, at least the plucking she did turned out great. I’ve been in contact with the salon to see if they can try to re-color my brows, but haven’t heard back yet.
On Tuesday this week (August 6th) I had one of my regular OB appointments. Just before that I got to have a quick talk with the doctor that they have in office there once a week. She followed up with my bile salt levels, and while they’re within good range now, she still wanted to send me for another test. Since I was scheduled for my second ultrasound at the hospital (to follow up with Mini’s measurements) the day after, she said I might as well leave another blood test that same morning. She also prescribed me some vitamin D which she said I should take for the duration of my pregnancy and continue with while I’m nursing. At my regular OB appointment it seemed Mini had grown, probably then following its own curve. My sugar levels, iron levels and blood pressure were all good. My blood pressure was slightly higher this time around, but my OB said it was good seeing as my pressure had been so low before. Mini’s heartbeats were all good too. So, I left feeling quite relieved. Even if she couldn’t perform any detailed measurements, at least Mini seemed to be growing! That was a good sign. Had the pleasure of meeting up with E and her daughter M too, we had a coffee together. E’s was still waiting impatiently for her baby boy (her dude date was August 7th), considering that her daughter came early, she’d expected baby brother to be too.
The following day was D’s first vacation day! Yay. It was so nice to finally have some company during the day and I’ve been waiting to be able to soak up as much ‘us-time’ now as possible before we become a family! (Aww, I love that – our family!). We went into the hospital quite early for me to be able to leave my blood sample, then we spent some time walking around before we stopped for lunch in town. At 1.30 PM we were back at the hospital for the ultrasound. The OB (same one that had a student with her during our 20 weeks anatomy scan) measured everything and looked at the blood flow. She confirmed what I’d hoped, that Mini is following its own curve! Rather than measuring -20,5% as Mini did two weeks ago, Mini was now measuring at -17,8%. It was all looking good. She said she didn’t even see a reason for scheduling another appointment since the due date is just around the corner. She said she’d leave it to the doctors in special obstetrics though. Like last time I had a CTG and everything looked good. Mini’s heartbeats were good and Mini even fell asleep for a brief period during the CTG. D managed to record the super rapid sound, it’s so cute! My blood pressure was good too, though slightly elevated for being me. The OB who took my blood pressure said it was still considered low. Then D and I waited to see the doctor. She too confirmed that Mini is following its own growth curve and that heartbeat is all good and blood flow through the umbilical chord looks good.
She also said that the redistribution of blood flow to Mini’s head is still there. Something the doctor mentioned two weeks ago too. However, last time they’d said that if blood flow still looked to be good, they wouldn’t do anything. This doctor though explained that she wanted a new scan made of just the blood flow (since they’re no longer worried about Mini’s measuring small) on Monday August 12th. If the redistribution is still there, they might want to induce. She told us to come with our bags packed. Needless to say, I was quite shocked. That wasn’t at all what I was expecting. Also, it’s so weird. when I tried asking her about what it all means, the redistribution – and why Mini might be prioritizing blood flow to its brain, she basically just told me that it’s something they’ve only just now started to look at. She said that at smaller hospitals they don’t even care about it. So, if they don’t care about it, why was it so crucial to induce? Especially since I was 37+5 days along at that point. I didn’t really get an answer.
My mind’s been all over the place since then. I’ve been very careful to not to have a birth plan, at least not a very detailed one, just because I’m well aware of the fact that things might not turn out the way you expect them to. Being induced is not been something I’ve though about though and I’ve heard some horror stories about it. After all, being induced isn’t natural and you’re basically making the body do something it’s not ready to do. If there’s one thing I’ve wished for, is to be able to have my labor start naturally. I’ve had some great support from friends in the pregnancy group I’m in, so that’s good. Still, I’m sitting here, writing this and feeling quite nervous and I’ve been scared. This is all quite overwhelming. It’s not that I’m scared about Mini being here earlier, that could’ve happened anyway (even though first time mothers usually pass their due date – as stated in the app, too). It’s the how of it all. I’d hoped for it all to start at home and being able to stay here for as long as possible before going into the hospital and being in that environment. Plus, a friend of mine who was induced, her body didn’t react at all and she ended up having to go through a c-section, another thing I’d hoped to not have to do. Well, I guess we’ll see. At least I’m looking forward to meeting our baby, I really do! I’m trying to think positive and we’re doing our best to soak up on sleep and just being with each other, which has been really cozy.
I can’t believe this might be my last pregnancy update! Wish me/us luck you guys.
Baby weighs about six pounds (2,5 kg) and will gain approximately one half of a pound per week from now until birth. The protective fat layer will make up about 15% of Baby’s weight at birth. Even though Baby’s gums have ridges that look a bit like teeth, the real ones won’t make their appearance until about four or five months after birth. Baby’s cheeks are developing fat and the cheek muscles are developing, creating that lovely chubby appearance. Baby is sleeping 90% of the time, there isn’t much room to move around anymore either, although you’ll still feel regular movements.
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If Baby has dropped, you’ll be breathing easier now and experiencing less heartburn and indigestion. This is a sign that your little one has descended into your pelvis. The firm muscles of your uterus and tummy will help to keep Baby in place. The main movements you are likely to feel now are jabs from arms or legs, and possibly painful kicks to your ribs. Women often experience a ‘nesting’ stage as delivery approaches. This sudden burst of energy might lead you to do your spring cleaning early, but save some of that extra energy for labor.
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Friday July 19th D and I went to Nynäshamn to sign papers and handing in our keys! Our old apartment is f i n a l l y behind us! It felt great and I also heard back that my bile salt levels were lower now and more within a normal range. When I asked the OB why I was still itching like crazy at times, she said that my levels might rise on occasion, but as long as we keep it under observation, there was no real reason to worry.
That weekend D and I finally felt like we could relax a little. Between all the worries considering my glucose levels and then my bile salt levels and worrying about Mini’s well-being and safety, it was nice to just have some ‘us time’. The plan was actually to attend my friend E’s baby shower that Sunday, but I talked to her sister and explained that with everything that had been going on, I wasn’t going to make it. She was very understanding and I later spoke to E who told me all about the day and how happy and surprised she’d been. N had been really sweet and went and bought the present we’d planned on getting E (a wooden train that can be put forth during birthdays that shows the year on top of one train and candles on the others + a framed photo of E with her husband and daughter).
Mentally all of this had taken a toll on me, considering my pregnancy over all, up until now, had been problem free; this was all a bit overwhelming to say the least.
Monday (July 22nd) I was scheduled to meet up with my regular OB! I even managed to squeeze in a lunch with D in Nynäshamn before-hand and it was so nice to sit down and talk with him, it’d been way too long. I then proceeded to fill in my OB on everything that had gone down, we laughed about the fact that everything seemed to go down when she was gone (during the first part of her vacation I’d been into the maternity ward at the hospital due to not feeling Mini’s movements and this time all of the stuff that went down during week 35 went down). She promised me she didn’t have any other vacation planned for the duration of my pregnancy. My sugar levels were good and iron levels as well. My blood pressure continued to be on the low side, but that’s good. My weight was still increasing, but in a good and normal pace she reassured me (why is it that weight gain, even when pregnant(!) is still taxing for me, mentally?! Ugh, might write another post about that at some point). Mini’s heartbeats continued to sound good and she checked to see if Mini had fixated, but no. Still head down and all, but the head could still be slightly moved. I told her there wasn’t much relief when it came to breathing though, hah! Probably due to the fact that I’m quite short so even if Mini’s head is further down now than earlier, the majority of my upper body is still very baby filled. She confirmed that shorter women often does not get the same kind of relief as tall women get at the end of their pregnancies. When she measured Mini she noted that Baby hadn’t grown at the pace she would’ve wished. She said there was nothing to be worried about, but that she wanted to send me to get an extra ultrasound (tillväxtultraljud in Swedish) just to make sure. She said that maybe Mini had position itself with its butt/back tilting more outward, lying in a position like that might give a false sense of not having grown in length. I told her that Mini usually does like to lie in a position like that, making my stomach bulge more on one side.
While the thought of seeing Mini on an ultrasound again made me kind of excited, I was still a bit worried. Why was everything going down now during my final weeks? It kind of felt like a payback for having had such an easy pregnancy so far. I did remain calm though and I was booked in for a check up on Wednesday. On Wednesday the OB asked us whether we knew the sex of the baby and we said no, we said that if she did see it though, she could tell us. She asked us if we were sure and D and I exchanged a look. We’d talked about it the previous night, and we’d both agreed that we were too curious to not ask about it. I was kind of set on not getting to know it anyway, I figured the way that Mini was lying, head down it might be hard to even see anything…
I‘ll leave you in suspense, sorry. We did find out, though I just feel like it’s something I want to keep just for us at the moment.
During the ultrasound she was able to confirm that indeed, Mini was measuring smaller. She said the level of amniotic fluid looked good though and so did the blood flow through the umbilical chord. When she measured Baby’s head however she said that the flow there didn’t match what she’d seen in the umbilical chord. I was instantly worried. What did that mean? Less blood flow to Mini’s head? She didn’t explain it well, or I just didn’t understand. What I did understand however was that Mini measured -20,5% below its curve. It might just be because I’m small and just don’t “make big children”. Which I guess is a blessing! She estimated that Mini, instead of weighing 2731 grams (which apparently was the expected weight for a baby at 35+5 weeks, Mini weighed around 2172 grams. She told me that she’d schedule me in for another ultrasound in two weeks to see how Mini’s measure is then. She explained that the hope is to see that the -20,5% is the constant deviation, making Mini following its own curve. Way to live up to your nickname, Mini <3. She then told me that she’d like me to see a specialist that same day, I’d be hooked up to a CTG for 20 minutes to make sure Mini wasn’t in any distress and after that a specialist doctor would see me. D, unfortunately, had to go back to work, but the CTG turned out fine and the specialist doctor that I spoke to explained what the OB hadn’t managed to make clear earlier. She said that on the ultrasound I just had done, the blood flow in the umbilical chord looked good. However, when they looked at the blood flow in Mini’s skull, there was a redistribution of blood; more blood flow to the brain than could be expected. She said that this is often seen when the blood flow through the umbilical chord isn’t good. When it isn’t, the baby’s body redistributes blood flow to important organs such as brain and heart, rather than flowing out into the extremities. She said there was no need to worry though and that this can happen and blood distribution can vary throughout the day, much like a person’s blood pressure. She said that in two weeks they’ll check the blood flow again to make sure everything’s good.
She also explained that if in two weeks the deviation, or variance, of -20,5% is constant, there’s no need to do anything else. They’ll probably hook me up to a CTG just in case, but if it’s constant it just means that Mini is following its own curve. She added that the curve against which Mini is measured is one based on the average Scandinavian child, who weighs 3,5 kilos at birth and is 50 cm tall. Since I’m not Scandinavian and shorter, it might just be normal for me to have a smaller baby. If, in two weeks however Mini measures below -20,5%, they’ll schedule ultrasounds more regularly to keep track of it all. If the blood flow looks to be worse next time, they might induce but she said that they rarely have to do that.
All in all, Mini seems to be doing well. I can also add that these last few weeks, basically from week 34 and onward, it feels like I’ve doubled in size. I haven’t taken belly photos that regularly, I don’t know why, I guess I’ve just felt kind of big and…well, not my best looking, but looking back and comparing belly now and from week 33, whoa! There’s such a difference. Hah. This week I’ve also begun getting swollen feet more easily, probably due to the heat too, that has returned with a vengeance. Don’t get me wrong, I love summers like these, but it’s no joke being heavily pregnant (yes, I’m höggravid according to the app – which is the term for it in Swedish) in this heat that ranges from 27 to 35 during the day. Ugh! My back’s been a bit sore too. Oh, yeah and my fingers are occasionally a bit swollen too. I guess this is to be expected at this part in the pregnancy though, inevitable. I was kind of waiting for it to hit too, since I think this is an important part of pregnancy. Before labor you want to feel sick and tired of being pregnant, it has to help with your mindset before the impending birth, no?
Baby weighs about five and a half pounds now and will start with a period of rapid weight gain this week. From now until birth your baby will gain approximately one half of a pound per week. A lot of this weight is the all-important brown fat to keep Baby warm for the first few weeks after birth. This brown fat is different from the white fat, brown fat contains more cells that produce body heat and this in turn prevents hypothermia. This brown fat appears on Baby’s upper spine, back and shoulders.
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Your body is getting ready to give birth and your cervix may have begun to dilate. You’ll be feeling a sensation of kicking in your ribs if your baby is lying head down (which is a good indication). Keep in mind that the weight you are gaining is mostly the baby and you’ll lose this after birth.
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Due to actually having had some muse to write a “normal” blog post aka non-pregnancy related, which took me a while to formulate; I’m a little behind on my pregnancy updates, so there will be two after each other now (otherwise I’ll forget details). I also realized that I never commented on a thing mentioned in my previous weekly update (week 34). According to the app, most women will have trouble sleeping due to discomfort and thoughts about the baby. Well, I can happily report that during week 34 I had no trouble sleeping at all, but it sort of changed (luckily it was temporarily – read continuation down below).
So, first of all I can say that Mini is being quite kind to my ribs, I haven’t had much discomfort due to Mini’s kicks, even though Mini is lying head down. I can tell that Mini’s getting stronger though and sometimes I can feel what I assume to be a foot and sometimes a hand in my side, it’s like this little lump that moves and it’s so cool and sweet.
That being said, week 35 started off quite dramatically. As I mentioned in my last weekly update, on Thursday I was out to lunch with a friend, even that morning I noticed that itching, but I didn’t think too much about it. I figured I’d eaten something that I had a slight reaction too, I’m quite prone to getting allergic reactions, even when there are small traces of stuff (let’s hope Mini won’t inherit that). Then Thursday night the itching got worse and I’m not kidding! When we were watching Netflix on the couch before bed I could barely sit still due to the discomfort and then when we were lying in bed I just couldn’t lie still. Luckily D falls asleep quite easily, so I don’t think he was too bothered by it. Around 3 AM I still hadn’t fallen asleep, I went up and walked around in the apartment thinking that if I did something else besides lying down, maybe I’d be able to not think about it. It didn’t work and soon enough I went back to bed hoping to fall asleep, I finally did but woke up again around 6 AM and then couldn’t fall back asleep for a while. Then I think I got two more hours between 7 and 9 AM. I was exhausted when I got out of bed and couldn’t stop thinking about what a friend had told me about her first pregnancy when she suffered from ICP or Cholestasis of Pregnancy, which in her case got so severe before they figured out her diagnosis (it’s quite a rare thing to be diagnosed with) that her son unfortunately died soon after being born. I remember her sharing a lot about it on social media and how she said that two things to look out for was itching on the soles of your feet and hands. During the night I’d felt both. I was calm, but figured I should call my OB to check with her. I left her a message. Later that day another OB (the one who’d covered for her earlier in my pregnancy) called me and said that my regular OB was on vacation. I told her my symptoms, that the itching was worse at night and that it was all over my body, though not the classical pregnancy parts where you’re expected to itch due to your skin stretching (like stomach and boobs). She didn’t think there was anything to worry about. She did want to schedule an earlier appointment for next week (this was Friday), but where she told me she’d just go through the same regular procedures they always do; check sugars and iron levels, measuring the stomach and listening to Baby’s heartbeat. However, she wanted to give me something to help with the itching but for that she needed to get a hold of a doctor to prescribe them to me. She told me she’d call me back.
When she called back she said that she couldn’t get a hold of a doctor (a Friday in Nynäshamn, I’m not all that surprised). She told me that I could use one of the doctor apps available, so that at least I could get some relief from the itching and be able to sleep. I asked her again about additional testing, but she said that the regular stuff would do for now. She did add that if things got worse during the weekend, I should call the hospital where I planned to deliver and ask them for help. She also said that she’d call me on Monday to check in, but other than that I was scheduled to see her on Tuesday.
I did what she told me to do, I used on of the apps and got to talk to a doctor of obstetrics. When I told her about my itching and my symptoms she said that she didn’t want to prescribe me anything until Cholestasis (Hepatos in Swedish) was ruled out. She told me to call the delivery ward at the hospital to ask them for their opinion. So I did. The OB there told me to come in at 8 PM that night and it was around 5 PM when I spoke to her. At this point I started to worry a little, what if something was really wrong?
At 8 PM me and D entered the delivery ward at the hospital. It was busy (but with a calm vibe, which I was happy to notice) so an OB told us to sit down and wait, she also said it’d be a while. Around 8.40 PM an OB came and got us, I told her about my symptoms and she said that what they wanted to start with was a CTG (where they check the fetal heartbeat for any kind of distress). The room was quite dark, it was nice and we sat there, D and I, and listened to the sound of Mini’s heartbeats. I could also tell by the monitor that I was having some practice contractions. I think I might have had two during those 20 minutes, most likely because I was nervous, rather than a sign of anything else. When the OB returned she said that everything looked good and that the doctor would come and talk to us as soon as she was freed up. A little after 9 she came and said that she’d sent a referral for me to the lab at the hospital for Monday, so that they could take the blood tests needed to tell whether this was Cholestasis related or not. She told me I should be fasting before the test and that she’d also made a referral for me to see an OB specialist the following Wednesday to follow up. I also got a prescription for Lergigan to help me with the itching.
The pills worked! They made me a bit loopy, but damn, that night I slept like a log. Probably due to the fact that I’d slept so little the previous night too. On Monday the OB who’d previously been so calm about it all, suddenly was all over this! She was happy that I’d gotten to leave a blood sample and she told me she’d call me back when she got the results. Since I’d gotten a referral to a specialist on Wednesday, she said I didn’t need to come down the following day to see her.
On Tuesday I got a phone call from the OB specialist. She told me that my bile salt levels were a bit elevated, but they were no cause for concern right now. High levels indicates Cholestasis and very high levels can be dangerous for the Baby and induction might be necessary. She said that at these levels there was no reason for me to come in and see her and that my regular OB should be fine and she told me to contact them to let them know that. To be honest, it was a little frustrating and stressful to be in contact with so many different people and places. I wasn’t too keen on calling the OB either since she’d been so causal about it all in the first place. Even if things weren’t alarming and I had a very mild case of Cholestasis, my head was still filled with “what ifs”. Anyway, I called her up and told her that the specialist didn’t see a reason why I should meet up with her, I also told her that during the night, even with my dose of two pills before bed I was still itching. She seemed a bit concerned and made another referral for initial testing to be done, she read me a bit of information on Cholestasis, but she seemed to be reading from the same document I had found online earlier. Anyway, I was pleased with the fact that she made another referral. Plus, I knew that on the following Monday I’d get to meet with my regular OB again! Which felt so nice. On Wednesday that week (July 17th) I went in for more blood test (my poor left arm! This would be the 5th time in a week).
That afternoon I went down to Nynäshamn since a co-worker of mine and her boyfriend were going to buy our old bed to have use it for the guestroom in their house. I ended up swinging by work too and had a bit of a chat with some co-workers, which was nice. Everything with the bed went well! Ikea furniture is way easier taking apart than they are putting together.
Other than the itching I was felt good. No swelling, sleeping well and even the acid reflux that I had experienced briefly during week 34 was gone! Now I just hoped my bile salt levels were going to stay put.
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